Humor – Things That Go SNRRRK In The Night

My wife has woken me up the past few nights and made me turn away from her. She says that I’ve been snoring too loud. I have no idea what she’s talking about. I don’t snore unless I have a cold, or the flu, or if the room’s too cold, or if it’s hay fever season, or possibly autumn, of if I sleep on my back, or possibly my side. Other than that, though, I’m a quiet sleeper. Besides, if I really did sound like, in her opinion, “a freight train hitting a buffalo herd,” don’t you think I’d be able to hear it?

Something has to be making my wife irritable at night, though. She wakes me up to turn around when I’m snoring*. She wakes me up to make sure I’ve locked the door. She wakes me up to look in the baby monitor, the one she’s holding in her hand, to make sure our daughter a) is still breathing through the night and b) hasn’t been taken by the gypsies. That she can look at the monitor itself, and that it’s approximately as bright as the Sun, doesn’t keep her from putting it an inch from my face, whispering “Is our daughter okay?!?” I feel like I’m being interrogated by a mime.

She’s never happy when she wakes me up, either. I wouldn’t mind being woken up to “Hey honey, you want a bacon fat sandwich and a Dr Pepper?” every now and then. No, she’s mostly irritated at something I did or didn’t do, depending on what I didn’t do, or did and wasn’t supposed to. I’m not sure, 4:30 AM is never the right time for clear, conscious thought. Mostly, she just wants me and my snoring** to get as far away from her as possible. Like, say, Brazil.

I’m not an MD, but I do have a Ph.D. in chemistry, so I feel qualified to diagnose my wife with a new condition called Midnight Crankypants Syndrome (MCS). Studies I participated in while washing my hair in the shower indicate MCS is brought on by a lack*** of sleep, or possibly Vitamin C. MCS only appears in married couples. The wife acts as the carrier, while it is the husband who suffers from all of the symptoms. Sadly, there is no known cure, though the Japanese have found a way to alleviate the symptoms by the proper application of chocolate and strawberry Arbor Mist.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve done enough research for one day. I think I’ll find a nice, warm couch and SNRRRRRRRRRRRKK

* Supposedly.
** Once again, supposedly.
*** Not by her husband snoring, of course.

If you liked reading about me and the sufferings of my family, you may also like the following posts, which further detail how we give each other all kinds of grief:

• My Daughter, The Terminator – Yes, every parent knows their kids are the smartest. I have real proof, backed up by bad scifi movies.
• Talking To Ghosts With A Clean Face – My wife thinks I’m not quite pretty enough, and Jennifer Love Hewitt agrees.
• An Apocalypse of Teenagers – Oh my goodness, are teenage girls messy. They also eat a lot.
• The Shumate Family Guide to Southern Arkansas – Hot Springs, Arkansas, where a woman can get humiliated by complete strangers, AND have to pay for it!
• The Tuscaloosa Oatmeal Explosion – Even family pets cause me no end of grief!

Tagged as: humor