NOTE: Thank you to those coming from Write Anything’s Creative Carnival. Or possibly from Dodgeblogium’s Best Of Me Symphony! You caught me in the middle of DeBloWriMo (December Is Blog Writing Month), a little exercise I set up to force myself to post daily. Enjoy my blog, and look below for links to more holiday humor!
It’s time for a post about fruitcake! Every blogger has to have one during Christmastime, so consider this contractual obligation. I’m putting a different spin on mine, though! What kind of spin could be original, regarding this maligned dessert-slash-doorstop? Is this just another rehash of the tired “It’s good for a doorstop and not much else” bit? I’m glad I asked for you!
You see, I like fruitcake. What, like we don’t all have our deep, dark secrets? It’s just that my secret involves semi-dried sour fruits and rum. There are far worse fates, such as being a serial killer, or a Paris Hilton fan*.
Why does this dense, delicious delicacy get such a bad wrap, anyway? It’s got all the trappings of any other gourmet dish: a pleasing color, an enticing aroma, and a calorie density approaching pure lard. Plus it’s got rum in it, people. Sure, most of it evaporates while cooking, but every now and then, you get a homemade fruitcake that wasn’t quite done when it was taken out of the oven. Dessert AND a cocktail, all in one bite? And we’re supposed to HATE these things? Nay, I say, nay.
But I’m allergic to nuts, you say. I’m a teetotaler, you say. My doctor told me not to eat anything that obviously colored through artificial means, you say. And to you, I say that fruitcake is a true multitasker of the culinary world, spanning far beyond the concept of merely ingesting it.
Yes, it works as a doorstop, and I apologize for treading that tired ground, no matter how true it may be. But it’s so much more. A paperweight, yes, we were all thinking it. It’s an anchor as well! Think about it, what anchor would Santa Claus be most likely use to affix his sleigh to your chimney? That’s right, the fruitcake! If you have something light, and you need something heavy to weigh it down, then fruitcake’s your man! Can gingerbread cookies do this? Not unless you have a lot of them, and a bag to put them in.
It’s a home defense system! You chuck one of these at a robber’s head, and he’ll not be taking anything but a few days’ rest in the ICU. You want a fun game for the kids? Try fruitcake bowling: line up a few empty eggnog bottles, and mow ‘em down with a well-aimed fruitcake!
Stuff a turkey with it! Stuff a turkey in it! Play hide and seek with it! Eat a big ol’ slab of it and pass out with a nice glass of wine! Heck, a whole bottle, you’ve earned it! Proudly serve it alongside oyster dressing!
Just don’t eat the oyster dressing. That stuff is FOUL.
*Anyone here tired of Paris Hilton jokes? I know I’m not!
Did you enjoy the tale of my twisted love for fruitcake? You might like the following posts as well:
- Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, How I Hate You – I can’t be the only person whose Christmas tree looks like it died sometime in the 90’s.
- Poison Hamsters – I don’t think the Zhu Zhu Hamsters are actually poisonous, but every Christmas season has its own horror story about some dangerous toy.
The Shumate Family Guide To Southern Arkansas – We go to Hot Springs, Arkansas for Christmas every year. It’s a lot more exciting than it sounds.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
This year Hazel was teaching our neighbours eldest lad (21 years, consenting adult and all that) some cooking skills. He/they made a Xmas cake that looks damn near perfect! I’m dribbling as I type (orally IHTO) but will have to wait another 21 days.
PS I assume the oyster dressing is for the turkey?
Dave, it’s traditionally served with turkey, though I’ve also seen it with chicken, and alongside ham.
I love oysters, I just think they’re nasty when put in a dressing.
That cake sounds delicious. Of all my cooking skills, baking isn’t one of them.