Humor – Talking To Ghosts With A Clean Face

My wife is trying to make me pretty.

Now, I don’t really see the need. I’ve already mated for life, and if she goes back on that deal, tough. I told her I was getting the better part of it all before I married her. I’ve no need to gussy myself up anymore. There is no higher plane of gussiness to which I can drag myself. Skin Bracer and Dial soap only do so much. Besides, I spent years perfecting the “haven’t shaved in two days and suffer from radiation poisoning” look.

But no, my wife wants my face to be all clear and smooth. Apparently, it’s a big deal with women! Who knew, right? So she came back from the mall on Monday with a green bag. “Surprise!”

“Oooh, is it mall cookies? I love mall cookies!”
“No, you doofus. This is for your face.”
“I eat cookies with my face!”
“Open it.”

There was a box of various chemicals under the Proactiv moniker. I’d heard about this on TV. Jennifer Love “Even My Wife Is Hot For Her” Hewitt advertises this on TV. I like Jennifer Love Hewitt, probably more than a married man should. I like her skin. This’ll do the same thing to my skin? I’ll get to hang out with Camryn Manheim if I use this? Well, sign me up for clear-skin ghost-talking fun!

There were six bottles in the box, and one jar of pads. I received instructions that the salesperson had given my wife. There were highligted bits, and a time table of “Night” and “Morning” applications. Facial care sure seemed time-intensive now!

I started with some sort of cleanser, rife with benzoyl peroxide. “Do not use near hair, eyebrows or clothing! Use a white cloth to rinse!” But my goatee! My face is half hair! Was I risking some sort of bleaching distaster? I marched on for the name of prettiness.

It tingled, and then it was over. Toner was next! It tingled too! Then, lotion. I feared the hose again, so I put a little bit on. Ooooh, so warm. I bet this is what it feels like to be on a TV show with Camryn Manheim. I’m going to be so pretty tomorrow, I thought.

I woke up the next morning to use the cleanser again, and a lotion with SPF 15 sunblock. My skin was smoothing out! The pimples on my neck were smaller! This is working!

And then I get to my office. The air’s been broken for a month, and it’s been hot. I start sweating. That nice warm sensation from last night returned, and returned in a big way. My face was slippery and kind of hot. Well, didn’t I feel uncomfortable! Just like when Jennifer Love Hewitt talks to a scary ghost, or a skeptic! Man! I’m in a science building, we’re all skeptics! Where’s Jay Mohr?

I had no time to be afraid of ghosts, though! I was getting prettier! Next stop, manicures!

Where’s my chihuahua and designer purse?

Tagged as: humor