I’m a big fan of random humor. It’s like the Tourette’s Syndrome of comedy: you’re sitting there reading the paper, finding out who died last week, when you’re suddenly hit in the face with a flying fish. Where did the fish come from? You don’t live near the ocean, you live in Kansas! And that’s what makes it so funny, you weren’t expecting it at all!
It’s harder to make random comedy than it is to enjoy it. Most people, when faced with the task, will fall back on the same clichéd “randomness” that everyone else has done to death. It’s gotten to the point where “random” comedy is more predictable than, say, some movie you really didn’t like winning Best Picture at the Oscars.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to rectify this situation. We’re going to review some of the most over-used random words and then I’ll give a suggestion as to how it can be improved. Are you ready? It doesn’t matter!
1. Monkey – People use the word “monkey” whenever they’re asked to think of something funny. I understand: they eat bananas, the throw their poop, and the occasionally maul humans. That’s comedy gold. But for goodness’ sake, humorists, they’re not funny anymore. I fully expect to see at least three monkey-related jokes a day.
Suggestion: Use “golden rhesus” instead. It’s specific, and specifics are hilarious. “A golden rhesus just pile-drived my terrier!” Comedy GOLD, people!
2. Cheese – Frankly, I don’t know how this one got started. Cheese isn’t funny at all. And pairing “cheese” with “monkey” is absurd, not humorous. Nobody has ever looked at a piece of cheese and said, “You know what this is missing? Primates.”
Suggestion: Use “butternut squash”. It has both “butt” and “nut” in it, two words guaranteed to make every man in the room at least giggle. “That golden rhesus just tried to have relations with my butternut squash!” There you go, Letterman, feel free to use that tonight!
3. Jesus – Most often paired with “Sweet” or “Zombie”, this is painfully unfunny at this point, especially when it’s the Baby Jesus. Also, it’s heresy and you could wind up in Hell for using it. Nobody thinks Hell is funny, do they? Do you?
Suggestion: Brigham Young. We can still make fun of Mormons! “Sweet Brigham Young! That golden rhesus is now trying to defecate in my butternut squash!”
4. Spleen – I think this one dates back to ancient Greece, when the spleen was thought to house something called “humors”. Or maybe humorists are just poor at anatomy. Anyway, there are at least ten body parts funnier than the spleen. And no, the sphincter isn’t one of them. Neither is the funny bone.
Suggestion: Coccyx. It sounds kind of dirty, and it really hurts when you land on it. “Sweet Brigham Young! That golden rhesus is now trying to bruise my coccyx with a butternut squash!”
5. Fart – I admit, I really like fart humor. I’m a guy that way. We’ve had enough of it, though. Let’s move onto other bodily processes or, better yet, equally disgusting things.
Suggestion: Banana slugs. They’re slimy, their disgusting, they’re hermaphrodites that bite the other’s penis off after mating. You want disgusting humor, you’ve got it!
Let’s look at what we started with:
“Sweet Baby Jesus, that monkey hit me in the spleen with a block of fart-smelling cheese!”
As the kids say, that’s completely “old and busted”. Now, however, we’ve got:
“Sweet Brigham Young! Did you see that banana-slug infested golden rhesus mold a model coccyx out of a butternut squash?”
That’s “the new hotness”. It just screams “Pulitzer,” doesn’t it? No need to thank me, dear readers, it was my duty to repair the stale reputation of random humor. We can do away with the clichés now.
Except for fart jokes. Those still make me laugh.
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