Humor – The Shumate Family Guide to Southern Arkansas

The hectic, urban lifestyle of Shreveport, Louisiana (The City That Never Sleeps Past Eight) gets to me and my wife on occasion. We yearn for a simpler time, a simpler place, somewhere we aren’t slave to modern conveniences such as cell phones or paved roads. When that desire gets to us, we do the only thing we can: head to Hot Springs, traveling through the majestic splendor of Southern Arkansas.

Arkansas? Surely, you’re saying to me, surely you don’t mean the home of Wal-Mart AND The Beverly Hillbillies! And I say to you, I surely do! Arkansas is not the genetic and cultural cesspool it is made out to be in pop culture. Why, on the three-hour drive to Hot Springs, one can encounter such cultural heights as:

• Evening Shade! The home of Burt Reynold’s seminal football sitcom of the same name, it was so ahead of its time that an actual football stadium still doesn’t exist in the city!
• Hope! The birthplace of President Bill Clinton and ongoing construction since 2005! Stop at the Western Sizzlin’ and tell them I sent you!
• Crater of Diamonds State Park! Acres of mud, full of diamonds! Actually, very little diamonds, but lots of interesting rocks and twigs! Spend $25 to play in the dirt for a few hours!

All that, and you’ve not even made it to Hot Springs! That jewel of southern Arkansas, known for its mineral springs and video-only casino! There is no better way to say ‘goodbye y’all’ to the fast pace of the city without giving up its comforts! Walk among the daffodils at Garvan Woodland Gardens, or visit the state park! Treat yourself to the finest seafood this far inland! Get a few bottles of Slick Willy’s at The Winery of Hot Springs and re-enact Animal House in your hotel room!

Just don’t actually visit a bath house. Unless you’re crazy, then you’ll fit right in. All of the décor, from the off-white, chipped floor tiles to the off-white, rough walls screams ‘pre-Civil War asylum’. You’ll be treated in much the same manner, too! My wife went, and she came back a different person, dead on the inside. She claims to have heard cattle being slaughtered while she was being stripped, showered with scalding water and then manhandled in a ‘massage’. She begged me, for the sake of my mind, that I not go. Excellent! That gave me time to hop down to the cigar store for a smoke, leaving her to repair her fractured mind. Hey, she has a Masters’ in psychology, shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right? Hope you don’t get any ideas about me smoking a cigar, ha ha!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m booking the hotel for our next trip. My wife should be okay by May.

Tagged as: humor